Scarlett Johansson s Michael Che and Colin Jost for Brutal Weekend Update Joke Swap
The audience went nuts at the beginning of Weekend Update on Saturday, apparently buying into the rumors that Colin Jost and Michael Che would be delivering the fake news for the last time. The segment got off to a slow start — the “Trump in the Middle East” jokes weren’t landing like others in recent weeks.
Ego Nwodim’s Miss Eggy jacked up the energy with a return performance of her hilariously cringe stand-up comedy. But Weekend Update really shook the rafters when Jost and Che engaged in their annual joke swap, making each other read punchlines off the teleprompter that neither had read before the live show. As always, it was brutal. Here are some highlights:
Jost
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“It’s SNL’s 50th season, so I want to take a moment to say something to our boss, Lorne Michaels. Lorne, retire, bitch! Let me run this show!”
Che
“Movie theaters are trying to stop teenagers from screaming and throwing popcorn during the Minecraft scene with the chicken jockey because some of us are trying to masturbate. But seriously, Minecraft was a great movie. I haven’t been that excited since I saw a white woman’s drink unattended.”
Jost
“A new study finds that the hoots and grunts of bonobos show signs of complex thoughts similar to human language. Oh, so like that awful halftime show?”
Che
“I want to take this opportunity to apologize to someone I hurt. Scarlett, can you come out here? Last time, I made Colin do some tasteless jokes comparing your vagina to Costco roast beef. The fact is, I was just lashing out because I’m jealous. I’ve never even seen a human vagina. And notice I said human, because I once spent the summer on a farm.
“And Colin, I’m sorry too because I owe you everything. When Colin discovered me, I was selling crack outside the American Girl doll store. I’ve told thousands of jokes on Weekend Update and gotten dozens of laughs. But I’ve never said the three most important words of all: I love you.”
Jost
“Some psychologists say adults can reduce stress by returning to a childhood hobby. Which is why I returned to my favorite childhood hobby — topping off priests with my pretty little mouth. Speaking of which…
"Lorne, I’ll do anything to run this show.”
