The 20 Best Weekend Updates Jokes of ‘SNL’s 50th Season From Colin Jost’s Punchable Face
Colin Jost landed a barrage of comedy haymakers this season on Saturday Night Live’s most consistently funny segment: Weekend Update. Here are 20 of Season 50’s best punchlines, courtesy of SNL’s charmingly smug anchorman. (Watch out, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. — you’re going to get more than your fair share.)
“Melania Trump gave a rare TV interview this week in which she blamed Democrats for creating conditions that led to Trump’s assassination attempts, which is ridiculous. When Democrats want to take out a presidential candidate, they get the job done.”
“Well, guys, the election is exactly 30 days away. Just think, in only 30 days, this whole nightmare will be nowhere close to over.”
“Donald Trump held a rally today at the site of the Coachella Music Festival, because just like Trump, Coachella brings out the worst in white people.”
“At a rally in a Pennsylvania high school, Elon Musk promoted the debunked theory that Dominion Voting Systems rigged the 2020 election, saying, quote, ‘The last thing I would do is trust a computer program.’ You know, like the ones driving all of his cars.”
“Next week, the American people will decide if the next president will be Kamala Harris or if everyone at SNL will get audited.”
“A zoo in Scotland is trying to create a rivalry online with Thailand’s Moo Deng by introducing Haggis, a newborn pygmy hippo. The only problem is Haggis is fugly as hell.”
“Last night, Jake Paul and Mike Tyson teamed up to defeat everyone watching.”
“The manhunt continues for the assassin who gunned down the CEO of United Healthcare on Wednesday. And it really says something about America that a guy was murdered in cold blood, and the two main reactions were: ‘Yeah, well, health care stinks,’ and also, ‘Girl, that shooter hot.’”
“Trump said Friday that he would try to permanently end Daylight Saving Time by challenging the sun to a staring contest.”
“A United Airlines pilot went into the cabin to hug a enger who had donated bone marrow to him, while a pilot on Spirit stole a sleeping enger’s kidney.”
“Robert F Kennedy, Jr., Trump’s nominee to lead the nation’s health agencies, will have his Senate confirmation hearing next week. RFK has been preparing for the hearings by setting his tanning bed to Tropic Thunder.”
“During an episode of Wheel of Fortune this week, a contestant who had just won $40,000 accidentally tackled host Ryan Seacrest. But I dare you to try that on Pop Culture Jeopardy!”
“Dozens of dead birds believed to have died from avian flu have washed up on a Long Island beach. But don’t worry, RFK is almost done eating them.”
“New research suggests that men with stronger sperm may live longer than men with weaker sperm. So you know what that means: Dick Van Dyke busts rockets.”
“Paddington’s a toxic bitch. He’s an illegal immigrant, freeloading off a nice, gullible white family. His sticky little marmalade paws are just waiting to rip open that trench coat so he can flash our straight children. I can’t wait to call ICE on his Peruvian ass.”
“Mental-health experts are saying that adults can help deal with trauma by sleeping with a stuffed animal, which is the same thing Goofy whispered to your wife.”
“Tesla is reportedly having trouble selling Cybertrucks, partly due to its slogan, ‘Cybertruck — what if Kanye was a car?’”
“Uber is offering teenagers free rides to prom, so get ready. Your driver Matt will be arriving soon.”
“I love that conservatives are already complaining that this Pope is too woke. How woke can a 69-year-old man from Chicago be? It’s not like he came out and was like, ‘Hey, I’m Pope Leo XIV. He/him.’”
“Robert F. Kennedy Jr., whose shirt collar traps all the blood in his head, was criticized for posting pictures of himself swimming in a Washington, D.C., creek despite signs warning it was contaminated with raw sewage. ‘Ugh, can you imagine how many parasites are in there?’ said the creek.”
